


I believe it was a sin

by AlaskaJones



Category: The Folk of the Air - Holly Black
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Enemies to Lovers, Excessive Drinking, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Slow Burn, mention of drugs
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-02
Updated: 2021-01-31
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:01:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 18,162
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27837253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlaskaJones/pseuds/AlaskaJones
Summary: After graduating high school, Jude and Cardan find each other again at uni.
Relationships: Jude Duarte/Cardan Greenbriar
Comments: 36
Kudos: 84





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I'm french so my english is not perfect....... sorry. I'm writing this for fun, it's also the first fic I write so yeah.

**Cardan**

Jude. Jude, Jude, Jude, Jude, Jude.

  
Jude Duarte was standing behind the counter of the Starbucks on campus. She was talking to a customer, taking his order in a quick and efficient way, focused on her task while Cardan was frozen in the doorway. Someone bumped into him and told him to move. He didn’t bother to apologize and walked leisurely to the line of customers.

  
He’d known Jude since their first year at Elfhame High. She’d been one of the few students who’d gotten in on a scholarship and he guessed she’d gotten one to Insmire Uni too. Of course she had, she was probably the smartest student at their high school. He hadn’t expected to see her there though. Cardan had assumed that after three years of enduring the crowd of rich and spoiled assholes, she’d have applied to other prestigious universities abroad, far away from any of them. Most students from Elfhame High went to Insmire Uni, it was a tradition that old household names wanted their lineage to carry on.

  
Every Greenbriar went to Insmire Uni. His family had been involved in the founding of the elitist school and a statue of one of his ancestors stood in the middle of the park surrounding the buildings. Cardan despised his name as well as his family tree and he didn’t miss a chance to glower at the statue everytime he passed by it. Still, he couldn’t deny how much he loved the campus, with its gray stone façades covered in ivy, its intricate stained glass windows and gothic towers. His favorite thing here was the library, made of old wood and thick carpets that muted every sound. It was quiet, ancient, dim. Well, it was his favorite thing on campus before he learned Jude Duarte was here too.

  
Finally, he was the next client in line. Jude’s gaze turned to him and he saw the fire in her eyes burn as bright as it used to back in Elfhame High. His heart dared to beat a couple of very fast and hard beats before he could rein it back to steadiness like a well trained dressage horse. Foaming at the mouth from the strain, but under strict control.

  
Jude’s body was still and her eyes narrowed. He watched her jaw clench and it filled him with satisfaction. She reacted to him as she always did, like she was barely containing her warth for him. Cardan knew it was messed up but he was relieved about this fact. As far as he knew, he was the only one able to inspire such a reaction in her. Jude Duarte ignored most people, except her sisters, and her face was a mask of blankness, if not boredom in every situation.

  
Cardan smirked. Jude’s grip on her sharpie tightened which turned her knuckles white. He imagined her hand around his throat, holding him so tight her knuckles were white too, as she pressed him against a wall. His smirk faltered at that unwelcomed image and he swallowed whatever he was feeling right now, burrying it deep inside of him, stomping on it a little while he was at it.

  
Jude was still silently murdering him with her eyes and he basked in her undivided hateful attention for several glorious seconds. His Jude was here. Maybe things wouldn’t be as dull as he’d imagined.

  
‘’One tall americano, dearest Jude,’’ Cardan said, his voice like poisonous honey. ‘’Yes, dark. Like my soul. I know you want to say it but can’t because of your position so i’ll grant you the pleasure anyway.’’ He made sure to look down at her after his tirade. It was possible that’s what Jude was thinking but she’d never have said it anyway. Her insults were always much more refined, wrapped in golden barbed wire. He was insulting her a bit more by implying that’s what she wanted to say. Her cheeks flushed but she quickly turned to take care of his order, scrawling on a cup and sliding it to her co-worker at the coffee station.

  
Cardan wanted to kick himself in the balls, he felt this way everytime he insulted Jude. This feeling always bothered him. Cardan didn’t feel this way when he insulted other people. He’d come to the conclusion it was because Jude was an easy target and it was beneath him to even take the time to talk to someone like her, even if it was to insult her. Anyway, he was mean to her out of habit and he didn’t know how to break out of it. Why would he even want to break out of it ? He’d bullied Jude from the very first day he’d met her. Even if he’d been nice to her today, she probably would have thought it was a trick. Things would carry on as they’d always been between them, even if they weren’t at Elfhame High anymore.

  
When she turned back to him, her face was back to her usual cold blankness. She rang him up and moved to the next client, ignoring him until he walked to the next counter to get his order. When it was his turn, Jude’s coworked frowned at the cup and instead of calling his name handed him his drink directly.

  
‘’I guess this is your drink sir,’’ they mumbled, avoiding Cardan’s eyes.

  
Cardan grabbed the drink and looked at what was written : Nicasia’s used toy, xx. His jaw clenched and he turned his head toward Jude but she was ignoring him pointedly. He went out without a word to the employee and when he was outside, he took a long sip of his drink, relishing in how hot it felt down his throat and smiled. Jude Duarte was back in his life.

**Jude**

  
It had taken Jude all her will power not to talk to Cardan, not to react to his cheap jab. She guessed she was a little bit out of practice after the entire summer, but he was too. His insults were usually more subtle and elegant than what he’d spat at her. She knew that, he knew that. Jude hoped this fact would feel like a scratch he couldn’t reach for the rest of his day. For what it’s worth, she wasn’t really proud of what she had scribbled on his cup but if he had aimed this low, why should she keep herself from doing so as well ? Jude could give it as bad as she could take it.

  
She felt unsettled herself, unbalanced, bothered by something she couldn’t quite put her finger on. Jude knew Cardan would be at Insmire, like all Greenbriars before him. But she had successfully avoided running into him for an entire week since classes started and she hadn’t expected to see him at Starbucks. She’d thought - or rather hoped - he’d find this place too common, too mainstream and undignified for his highness. Sadly, she’d been wrong. She wasn’t often wrong about Cardan, which made their encounter taste even more bitter.

  
As always, he’d reminded her that she was lower than the chair he sits on. She was surprised he’d called her by her name. To him, she was probably worth less than the paper towels he dries his ringed hands on before throwing them in a bin without another thought. She often thought about his hands and his rings with striking details. She hated this. His stupid rings. Who wore that many rings ? No one except Cardan Greenbriar. He was such a drama queen, she mentally tripped him everytime she saw him walking.

  
‘’You know this dude ?’’ Her coworker whispered at her.

  
Jude snorted. If she had money, she’d pay a lot to see Cardan’s face after someone called him dude.

  
‘’Unfortunately, yes.’’

***

  
Jude was exhausted. After a day of classes and then standing behind a counter for 5 hours, the only thing she wanted was to take a hot bath and relax. She couldn’t do that obviously. No matter how rich the students of Insmire Uni were, the dorms’ bathrooms were still equipped with showers and not bathtubs. She craved a bath so much she was figuratively weeping. Her back, neck and feet hurt so much, she felt as if a train had crashed into her at full speed. Her brain was splashed somewhere outside, no one would ever find it, she’d fail all her classes and would have to drop out. Cardan would laugh while sipping champagne at the news.

  
She scowled at that tought. Jude would never give him that satisfaction. She will crush him, she will crush all of these students with her grades. They will choke on their silver spoons and she will be the one laughing like a maniac while sipping champagne and enjoying their downfall. One day she will rule them all. She’d wear the gaudiest crown and be even more dramatic than Cardan, out of spite. God, she really was tired. A fucking crown, she’d lost it. Not even Cardan wore one. She needed 12 hours of sleep.

  
Jude walked the last few steps to her dorm room on autopilot and threw herself face down on her bed as soon as the door closed behind her. She heard a chuckle behind her. Probably Heather, her room mate, though Jude didn’t have the energy to raise her head and confirm.

‘’Ok, i'm giving you ten minutes to lie down like a lifeless toad and then we're getting ready.’’ Heather punctuated her order by throwing a pillow at Jude. Jude's only answer was a muffled groan, her face was burried in her comforter. Heather looked at her watch, counted to ten inside her head.

  
‘’Alright, the ten minutes are over ! Rise and shine, you ultimate queen of us all poor students of this elitist hell. Quick, quick! I need some fun tonight and so do you, don’t even try to tell me no.’’

  
‘’If you don't shut up, i will make you.’’

  
‘’There’s a huge party at a campus house,’’ Heather carried on her chatter, ignoring Jude’s threat. ‘’We have to go. It’s the beginning of the year, we need to assert our status.’’

  
‘’We’re here on a scholarship, we have no status to assert Heather.’’ Jude turned on her back and stared at the ceiling. ‘’I’m going to shower, heat up whatever’s in our fridge and go to bed. You’re free to go to the party, I’m sure you’ll tell me all about it tomorrow after I tell you i don’t want to hear about it.’’

  
Silence.

  
Jude rised and leaned on her elbows. Heather was standing in the middle of the room with her hands on her hips, throwing daggers at Jude with her eyes. Jude grinned. Heather was fiesty and stubborn, she liked that about her roommate. She always stood her ground to rich pricks, whether they were students or professors.

  
‘’I’m not going Heather, I’ve handled enough shit today.’’

  
‘’They’ll think you’re hiding.’’

Jude frowned, ‘’Who will think that ? You’re the only person I’m talking to here.’’

‘’Your former friends from Elfhame High.’’ Jude knew what Heather was doing. She was going to manipulate Jude into going, using Jude’s own stubborness and pride to drag her to this party.

Jude glared at Heather, her roommate smiled innocently.

‘’They are not my friends and you know that. I don’t care what they think about me.’’

‘’Bullshit.’’

Jude threw back the pillow at Heather, who dodged easily.

‘’The desperate action of someone who has no argument to add to a conversation.’’ Heather stated matter of factly.

‘’You threw it first, may i remind you.’’

‘’You may. I was desperate to not hear you snore.’’ Heather turned around and started digging inside her closet.

‘’I do not snore.’’

‘’Sure. A lie doesn’t make something true, no matter how strongly you belive in it and how good a liar you are.’’

Jude snorted. ‘’You’re so wise.’’

One hour and half later, Jude was dressed in tight black jeans tucked into worned boots. A black lacy bra was showing under a loose crop top. She had braided her hair and put on khol and mascara. All black. She didn’t feel like wearing any other color but she had added golden leaves hair clips on each side of her head. She’d taken her sweet time to eat while Heather was waiting for her, barely containing her impatience. It was half past ten when they finally left their dorm.

  
‘’You should never arrive too early to a party,’’Jude commented when Heather started to power walk through the campus, ‘’we could have waited another half hour honestly. They’re going to think we couldn’t wait to get there, as if their party was the highlight of our week.’’

  
Heather was ignoring her.

  
‘’If you’re expecting the party of the century, you’re in for a disappointment Heather. The two things these people love most are debauchery and hearing themselves talk.’’  
‘’I don’t care. I need a party. Classes got the best of me this week. And I want to get in. I can’t lose any more time.’’

  
Jude frowned. ‘’Get in what ?’’

  
‘’In their circle.’’ Heather said, like duh ? Jude knew that feeling. She had wanted, hoped, to get in their circle during her first year at Elfhame High. She’d quickly understood it would never happen. Their circle was so close and tightly knit, they would never make room for nobodies, no matter which school they attended.

  
‘’That’s some delusional and wishful thinking my dear, and I’m sure you’ll change your mind pretty soon about dreaming of being one of them.’’

  
‘’Then why are you here Jude ?’’ Heather had stopped and turned around so abruptly Jude almost walked into her. Her roommate looked furious and underneath the anger, Jude could see she was hurt too.

  
‘’I’m here because I deserve it. I deserve the best education because I’m at least as good as these rich pricks. I’m not asking them if I can be here. I’m claiming my place and I don’t give a shit if they like it or not, if they want me there or not. I don’t want to get in their circle, Heather. I’m going to get above them, I’m going to rule them. One day, I’ll look down at them and they’ll have to bow to my power even if they despise me. I’m not giving them the choice and I sure as hell won’t give them the satisfaction of showing them how bad I envy their status, their lifestyle, and how easy they got everything in their life while I had to prove myself everyday and work twice as hard as them.’’

  
Heather flinched at Jude’s cutting words. Jude knew it was a truth hard to swallow but she felt like she was saving Heather some time by telling her what it took Jude years to understand and accept.

  
‘’You’ll never be one of them. You’re better than that Heather. Don’t forget your worth. Don’t beg them for anything. Take what you deserve, don’t expect them to hand you anything. They’ll never consider you their friend or their equal. All you can do is stand next to them at their own level, but not with them. And then, when your time comes, stand one step above them.’’

 _And crush them_ , Jude wanted to add but kept that part for herself. She wanted revenge and above all, she wanted to know how it felt to take something from these priveleged pieces of shit, something they had always considered their birth right. Heather wanted the status more than anything. Jude wanted them to know what it was like to feel powerless.

  
They carried on their walk to the party in a heavy silence. When they arrived and Jude entered the house, she saw understanding dawn on Heather’s face. The luxurious living room after the hall was a masterpiece of the most refined debauchery. Jude spotted Cardan in a few seconds.

  
He was already completely wasted and sprawled on a brown leather couch. His black shirt was half open. A boy was licking Cardan’s neck, a hand clawing at the pale skin of his chest while Cardan was kissing a brunette Jude didn’t recognise. The girl had a leg across his lap and a hand burried in his dark hair. Cardan’s own hand was moving up her thigh in slow circles until Jude saw his shining rings disappear under the dress.

  
Jude kept her face blank. None of this was a surprise, she knew what to expect when she arrived. And yet, she couldn’t stop staring at Cardan. Her breath stopped when the brunette gasped and broke their deep kiss as Cardan’s hand reached its ultimate destination. Meanwhile, the boy on the other side of Cardan had lowered his hand from his chest and was palming Cardan’s dick through his jeans.

  
Jude hated it. She hated how, after not even five minutes at this party, she wanted to scream, tear down the tapestries, burn the paintings, break every glass in this room but couldnt do any of this. She hated how unsurprising all of this was to her, how descensitized she was to these behaviors. And yet, she couldn’t make herself turn away. As if sensing her stare, Cardan turned his head away from the brunette and his eyes met Jude’s.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A short but smutty chapter. I hope you enjoy it :)

**Cardan**

In his drunken state, Cardan still managed to wonder if Jude was bound to appear before him at the most unexpected times. What was she doing at this party? He had no doubt she hated everyone here. 

Jude was standing at the entrance of the living room that hosted the heart of the party. It was still early in the evening, if he could trust his recalling of the events since he arrived. He was already very, very drunk. Cardan remembered watching Locke and Nicasia disappearing up the stairs and then downing drinks after drinks until he couldn't feel anything except the warmth of the bodies by his side. 

His hand was currently burried deep between the legs of a girl he had met fifteen minutes ago, he couldn't remember her name. On his left was a guy named Aiden and that's all he knew about him. He remembered seeing him at some parties his father had organized, gathering the finest members of their closed society. Aiden was eager to please Cardan for whatever reason. Cardan wasn't going to deny the guy, his tongue was currently doing wonders at his neck and his hand had found its way toward interesting places of Cardan's body.

Jude was standing still, eyes locked on their trio. Cardan stopped moving and waited to see what her next move would be. Would she leave without another glance at him? Would she grab the nearest drink and find a way to dump it over him, claiming clumsiness when they both knew Jude was always in control of everything she did and said? Cardan blinked and blinked again, but Jude was still standing a few meters away. Her view of them was unobstructed. He started doubting she was really there. Sometimes his mind liked to torture him like that.

Although he couldn't stop looking at her, he wouldn't let this situation slip out of his control. His uncooperative brain could go fuck itself. Looking Jude straight in the eyes, Cardan started moving his hand between the legs of the girl currently half sprawled over his lap. The tip of his fingers found her wet and warm. Her legs opened a bit wider and he heard her gasp. Jude was still staring at them but her gaze had moved from Cardan's eyes to his hand. Her face was a tapestry of blankness. It could be the painting of a fortified wall.

The corner of Cardan's lips rised in a smug way. So that's how it was going to be. Cardan was game. He'd push until he'd find Jude's breaking point. He moved his hand even deeper under the girl's dress and started coating his fingertips in wetness. The brunette arched her neck against the couch's headreast. Her throat was exposed and Cardan slowly licked it from the base to the shell of her ear, his finger still brushing her opening. Then he turned his head back toward Jude. She was still there, watching them. He saw her jaw tick, the only sign she wasn't completely unmoved by their little show. Cardan licked his lips. He had no idea what was happening. He didn't know if he had discovered a new way of bullying Jude or if it was something else entirely. In a wicked twisted way, he was reveling in what he was doing and wondered how it would feel if it wasn't a nameless brunette sitting on his lap, at the mercy of his hand, but Jude. Jude, Jude, Jude, Jude.

Cardan's fingers found the brunette's clit and he started drawing slow circles over it, varying the pressure and rythm. The brunette sank further on the couch and on his lap. His hand left her clit to rub her pussy up and down, spreading the wetness all over it to make his movements slide easily and draw as much pleasure as possible. The girl whimpered. A couple more minutes of playing with her and she'd start begging, Cardan thought.

Looking at Jude straight in the eyes, Cardan started slowly sliding a finger in the girl's warm pussy. It sank in without difficulty. She was dripping wet.

''More,'' he heard the girl's strained whisper. Cardan obliged, adding two fingers and pushing deep until the palm of his hand was resting on top of the girl's clit, his fingers stilled inside her pussy. It was the perfect combo for a shattering orgasm. Cardan started moving his hand again, varying between circling movements of his palm and pushing his fingers in and out of her pussy. All while keeping his gaze on Jude. He broke their eye contact, he couldnt help it. His gaze moved down her body. She was dressed in tight jeans that hugged her lovely curves. Her top was short and revealed a strip of bare stomach. He was obsessed by the skin showing there. He wanted to know how warm and how soft it felt. He wanted to taste it, bit it and then burry his face in her breast and inhale deeply.

Cardan was too lost in the moment to analyze how fucked up his toughts were. The girl on his lap started breathing faster and louder as his palm was pressing circles on that one spot. Cardan's hard on was growing bigger, pushing against the fly of his jeans. Aiden's hand was rubbing it up and down, his mouth still ravishing his neck. He was on the verge of exploding while Jude was still looking at them, her eyes taking in the show they were making _for her_ a little voice in Cardan's head murmured. 

Now the brunette was fully moaning, her eyes were pressed close, her teeth biting on her lower lip. Cardan increased the pace of his movements and when the brunette held her breath in a sharp gasp, he plunged his hand deep inside her, curling his finger to reach that one spot inside her. She let out a pleading scream, her voice raspy and shaking as he felt he pussy clench around his fingers. Cardan brought his mouth to her outstreched throat and bit the hot skin then licked the spot in circles matching the ones his hand were drawing between her legs. He kept pressing and rubbing her clit until she reached the pick of her orgasm. The brunette's body went slack, her breathing slowly calming as she was coming back to her senses. 

**Jude**

Jude couldn't move. She couldn't even turn her eyes away from what was happening in front of her. She wasn't sure she was even breathing. Another Jude, invisible, was shaking her, slapping her face, screaming at her to turn away, to leave, to not give Cardan an ounce of her attention. Well, invisible Jude, sorry but that's too late. Jude was watching the girl on Cardan's lap come down from her high. Her chest was rising up and down, from a fast pace to a deep and long rythm. The rythm of post orgasm bliss. Jude wanted to set that house on fire and herself with it. 

To her horror, the spot between her own legs was throbbing. She used all of her self control not to press her legs together. She wanted to grab Cardan's hair in her fist, pull it back harshly until his throat was exposed and taut and then whisper in his ear how much she loathed him. Jude wanted her words to be a burning poison that sank into him and spread into his body in a way he couldn't get rid of. She wanted to haunt him as he haunted her. 

It felt like she had arrived at the party an eternity ago. She hadn't registered anything around her, only the three bodies entangled in front of her. Jude remembered Heather telling her she was going to hunt for a drink but she didn't know if it was two minutes or an hour ago. An unnerving thought was clawing in the back of her mind : things between her and Cardan were shifting. What just happened between them was completely different than what used to happen back when they were in high school.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Song for this chapter : Toxic by 2WEI

**Jude**

Jude knew she couldn't turn away and leave though she badly wanted to. Doing so would feel like admitting defeat and running away. Her next move needed to be a powerful statement after what had just happened. She still couldn't quite believe it. What the bloody hell had gone through Cardan's head? It wasn't his style. Their feud was usually the playground for pettiness and humiliation but things had never gone that far. Debauchery had never been one of Cardan's weapons against her, it was more like a hobby to him, Jude thought. And Cardan's insults were usually clear, leaving no room to interpretation. Jude had no idea what he'd sought to claim by making a girl come while looking at her. How did that assert his superiority over her? This gave him no power and it took none from her, none that was visible at least. Because Jude felt like the slightest push, figurative or not, would have her on her knees, and it wouldn't be from pain. 

Back in their highschool days, Cardan and his clique always had the upper hand. Elfhame High was small and private. Here on campus, at the beginning of their first year, Jude felt like the power imbalance was less unfair. She could get lost in the crowd, and Cardan was just another rich heir to a powerful family among so many others. He was a bit lost amid in his own crowd in a way.

Jude was still figuring out what to do, her thoughts running on a never ending loop inside her freshly scarred mind, when she felt a hand press against the small of her back.

"Jude, what a delightful surprise to see you here." Jude recognised Locke's voice and his syrupy tone instantly. She could feel the warmth of his body behind her, though only his hand was touching her. "And you're looking at Cardan like you want to murder him. Old habits die hard, don't they? Tonight really feels like nothing's changed." Locke chuckled. He sounded like someone had told him his favorite food was on the menu. 

Jude narrowed her eyes. Tonight didn't feel like old times _at all_ to her. She almost wished it did, then she'd know what to do to get back at Cardan. Right now though, what Jude wanted most was to turn around to slap Locke in his smug face. Still, she refrained her impulse to act rashly. _Be a queen_ , Jude thought . _You're in control._

Jude took a deep, calming breath. Tonight really was testing her. She was disgusted by Locke and how easily he'd played her during their senior year in high school. Locke had made her believe he was the exception among his group of friends, that he didn't despise her like the rest of them did. Instead, he'd proven Jude he was the worst of them all.

Locke and Jude had dated a for a few months and the bullying had lessened dramatically during that time. Until he'd played her and humiliated her. Jude had not seen any of it coming and it had desiccated the last drop of naivety in her blood. Locke had cheated on her with Nicasia, who had been dating Cardan at the time. When the whole affair had blown up, Locke had laughed at Jude and asked her if she'd really believed that what they were doing was serious.

She wanted to vomit everytime she thought about it, about him and what they'd did, about how she'd felt about him and how foolish she'd been. She'd sworn to herself to never make that mistake again. The fact that, in this whole drama, Cardan had been played too only added to her bitterness. She wanted nothing in common with him, especially not a wounded pride and a broken heart.

The memory of what she had been through because of all of them felt like a bucket of cold water poured on her head. Jude straightened her back and steeled her spine. It was time to give them a taste of their own medecine.

"I miss you, you know ?" Locke whispered in her ears. Jude could feel his hot breath on her neck. She tilted her head, feigning interest. Locke's words were a bundle of lies but she decided to use them to her advantage.

Jude kept her back to Locke. Her eyes found Cardan's again where he was lounging on the couch, his two companions touching him languidly. The brunette seemed eager to return the favor but the guy on Cardan's left was already getting on with the job, quite literally. The girl raised her hand to Cardan's jaw and tried to get him to turn his face toward hers but he was wholly focused on Jude and Locke. Undeterred, she licked his ear, then pressed open mouth kisses down his throat. Jude wanted to strangle her. That thought made her frown. _Get a grip, Jude._

When she answered Locke, their lips were almost touching. "You miss me? What are you going to do about that?" Jude hummed, her eyes went from Locke's mouth to his eyes in a way that left no room for interpretation as to what she was suggesting.

All she felt for him was a feral rage but for the sake of striking Cardan where it hurt the most she could pretend, only for one night, that she still felt something human for Locke. Locke had stolen Nicasia from Cardan. If he could also get Jude back, then Cardan's downfall would be complete. Not only Locke would win on all counts but Jude would be under his protection once again. Cardan would be left with no pawn to play his twisted games with. All he'd have would be his drunken revelries.

Locke wrapped his arm around Jude's body until his hand rested on the other side of her waist. He started drawing slow circles on the bare strip of skin of her stomach. Jude remembered times she had let him touch her like this before he'd betrayed her. She'd been willing back then, eager even. She tried to hide how badly she wanted to throttle him right now. She needed to look like all she felt were pink butterflies dancing in her belly.

Somehow, Jude coud feel Cardan watching them. She bit her bottom lip and sank into Locke's body. His arm pressed her close to his chest as his thumb was still caressing her stomach, slowly disappearing up under her shirt. Her breathing started to deepen, but not for the right reasons. Was getting back at Cardan worth _this_? Jude started to doubt. Still, she inclined her head back until it rested on Locke's collarbone and closed her eyes. She needed to think. She needed to be in control of this narrative. It was not about Cardan and Locke getting back at each other. It was about her getting back at Cardan, and if she played her cards well, at Locke too. 

Suddenly, Locke's hand changed route and headed down toward the waistband of her jeans. Her body tightened and she opened her eyes. Her gaze found Cardan's immediately. He was sitting straighter, on the edge of the couch, as if ready to pounce. The brunette and the boy seemed startled by his demeanor while Cardan looked as if he had sobered up in the time span it had taken Locke's hand to do a U-turn on Jude's stomach. 

Jude held her breath. All of this felt like a three players chess game. She tried to decipher Cardan's expression. Many feelings seemed to blend on his face. She could recognize one of them, anger. She felt like she was looking at herself in a mirror. But beneath the anger, she thought she could see distress too, and disappointment, or maybe regret. As if what was happening wasn't at all what Cardan had wanted or even expected.

Jude couldn't make sense of any of this. All she wanted to do was to slam her foot on the brake, rewind the last two hours and never leave her dorm. She didn't want to feel Locke's hand on her body. Jude wanted to turn around and bare her teeth at him. She didn't want to think about the fact that Locke didn't make her want to press her legs together to ease her arousal the way watching Cardan get the brunette off while looking at her did. 

"Stop," Jude said, her voice steady though she felt nothing like it. She stepped away from Locke's embrace and turned to face him. The next words tasted like venom on her tongue, "You repulse me." Then she walked away, not caring if it looked like she was fleeing. Jude was tired of these games. She'd endured them all through high school, she would not put up with them at uni too. She had to focus on more important things, mainly on how she'd carve her way to the top. 

**Cardan**

Locke was here. Worse, Locke was here, and he was touching Jude. Cardan didn't want to look too closely at why it made things worse so he took a metaphorical sip of blissful denial. A little voice in his head was telling him he was about to run out of it sooner than he thought. He ignored it meticulously. 

Cardan's jaw was so tightly shut he could feel his teeth grinding, the grating sound only adding to his annoyance. Annoyance? No. It was something else, it was more than that. Resentment, panic, disbelief, powerlessness and frustration. The perfect blend for a cocktail named after Cardan. A tasty disaster. 

Cardan couldn't believe the situation had slipped from his fingers so quickly. Where had Locke come from? Why wasn't he still upstairs with Nicasia, doing whatever two of the most evil people of his generation did behind closed doors? Surely they weren't already done with planning the downfall of their peers in the upcoming year. This kind of scheming took time and carefulness. It was like doing art in a way, Cardan thought. So Locke should be far away from Jude right now, doing art with Nicasia. 

God, Cardan was way too wasted, as per usual. He was frustrated by how out of control he was no matter how hard he tried to focus. He'd wanted to numb everything but hadn't expected it to backfire on him like this. Locke needed to leave, right now. Obviously his old friend didn't. Cardan felt like his life was a tragicomedy show and his only role was to be the punchline of every joke. Sometimes, he could almost hear the canned laughter and the 'boos' of disapproval. His entire existence seemed like a farce he had no leverage on. He wasn't writing the screenplay, all he could do was adapt to it, survive his plotting family and friends while doing damage control and pretending he was running the show too.

In truth, he was weary of being always on his guard. He wished this world wasn't so wicked and ruthless. Cardan wished he didn't have to crush people like Jude to uphold his status. _What about kindness and gentleness, beauty and selflessness?_ Cardan snickered, imagining his father's face if he dared to speak these words in front of him.

Jude was leaning back against Locke now and Cardan's blood turned to ice. Her eyes were closed and she looked like she was savouring her past lover's touch. Locke's hand headed between Jude's legs and suddenly, it was too much for Cardan. He couldn't bear to stay and watch them. He didn't care if it meant he'd lose this round against Jude. As he was getting ready mentally to stand up and leave, Jude's body tensed. Her eyes were wide open now and Cardan could see that whatever was happening, she was not comfortable with it anymore.

He straightened on the couch, focused entirely on Jude. Locke had to have notice her reaction. Why was he still touching her? If he didn't step away in the next two seconds, Cardan would make him regret it. He didn't exactly know how, but he would. Physical violence had never been his thing, but right now he felt like he could make an exception. Cardan straightened on the couch, ready to make his way to Locke. The room swayed a little but he'd walk drunker than that. He saw Jude's lips move then and even though he couldn't hear her over the noise of the party, what she said was clear : stop. Then she desentangled herself from Locke and turned to face him. Cardan saw Locke's expression darken and knew Jude must have said something to him.

Jude didn't spare Cardan a backward glance before she left the room. He watched her silhouette move among the bodies until she disappeared. A part of him wanted to go after her and make sure she was alright. Cardan had never been nice to Jude, ever. She'd probably tell him to go fuck himself and he didn't want to start another fight with her tonight. They both had enough. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoy this chapter! Thanks to everyone who commented or left kuddos, it always warms my heart and brightens my days :')  
> Happy new year to all of you, may 2021 be peaceful and bring you everything you hope for xxx

**Jude**

Jude was back at her dorm. She'd checked on Heather before leaving the party. Her roommate had been chatting with two girls Jude didn't recognise from Elfhame High. Heather had offered to leave with Jude, not wanting her to walk alone at night. Jude had told her to stay at the party and enjoy her night out. She was actually looking forward to some time alone. The campus was pretty safe and she felt like she'd start throwing punches if anyone started to bother her anyway. She wasn't scared. She was annoyed. Annoyed by the situation, frustrated that once again Cardan and Locke had found a way to torment her. She was infuriatingly confused by all the feelings stirring inside of her. The walk from the party to her room had done little to clear her head and Jude went to bed with her mind still dwelling on the events of the night. 

She woke up early the next day and got ready to go study at the library before it got too crowded. It was saturday so she didn't have classes but she had to work a shift in the afternoon and she wanted to study as much as possible before. She knew she'd be too tired to do anything afterwards. Jude had to balance her life very carefully between classes, study sessions and work. She liked that her life was busy but sometimes it was tough. It felt unfair that she had to work when most people here could pay their year without taking any loan or having to work to feed themselves. Her scholarship covered her classes and her dorm but Jude still had to pay for food, textbooks and the occasional extra. She didn't want help from anyone, especially not her step father Maddoc. He was loaded but she'd cut her own hand before accepting money from him.

If it weren't for her sisters Vivi and Taryn, who somehow could forgive Maddoc's past actions, she'd have burned bridges with the man as soon as she'd turned eighteen. Her sisters had made Jude promise she'd be home for Thanksgiving, Christmas and birthdays before she left for college. She didn't understand how her sisters found any solace in pretending they were a functional family but for their sake, Jude would pretend too. 

Jude easily found a free spot at the library, not many students showed up this early on a saturday. She was propably the only one who stopped partying so early the night before. She opened her textbooks, powered her laptop and got to work. She'd chosen to major in political science. A degree from Insmire Uni in that field was basically the high road to strategical positions after graduation. It would open doors for her, as well as her connection to Maddoc. But it wouldn't be enough, Jude will have to make sure to put her foot in the doorway if she wanted to really stay. Rich and powerful people liked to say they were open minded and that they welcomed everyone as long as they proved themselves. With her scholarship and tragic background, Jude was the poster child of affirmative action. She'd been "saved" by Maddoc when her parents had died. Bullshit. But Jude would play the charity card if it helped her get what she wanted in the end. 

After four hours of studying, Jude packed her things and got ready to leave. She felt a few stares and a couple whispered snickerings as she made her way out, mostly from former high school fellow students. She kept her head high and ignored them, as she was used to do. She was blending quite well among the other students at uni and hoped it would carry on like that. She needed to focus on what's was important and she couldn't afford to lose time on childish shenanigans.

After dropping her stuff at her dorm room, Jude made her way to Starbucks. Her shift started in thirty minutes. She usually arrived a bit early to have time to eat something so she wouldn't faint in the middle of taking someone's order. It also gave her some time to chat with her colleagues and start to build new relationships. She really wanted her own group of friends she could count on. She never had one, it had always been her and he sisters agains the world. She'd started to work at the coffee shop only a few weeks ago but she could already see potential friendships in several of her colleagues. 

She'd been trained by a colleague nicknamed the Bomb. Her name was Juliette but no one was allowed to call her that unless they had a death wish. She went by Jules and nothing else. Jules was a senior and had been working at Starbucks since her freshman year. She could handle rush hours with her eyes closed and Jude wouldn't have wanted to be trained by anyone else. Another colleague, James, was nicknamed the Ghost because he was rarely seen in classes or anywhere else really. He was stoic but very good at his job. Jude thought he was pretty easy on the eye too but she had kept quiet about that fact.

When Jude, Jules and James had a shift together, they called themselves the J triad. It gave Jude a unfamiliar feeling of belonging, she wasn't used to it but it was starting to grow on her. They chatted and joked easily and Jude was very fond of this new relationship. She wasn't used to friendship. The concept of people talking to her without ulterior motives, be that bullying or scheming, was foreign. During their last shift together, Jules had decided that her drinks would be marked with a J#1 because clearly, she was the boss of there squad, to quote her. Jude and James had not argued with that. The Ghost would be J#2. When Jude had asked why he would be #2 and not her, James had explained it was because he was taller, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. Jude had gasped in outrage and her two friends had laughed at her, James even ruffled her hair. She had struggled not to stomp on his feet. So Jude was J#3, so be it. The memory brought a smile to her lips. 

After washing her hands and tying on the infamous green apron around her waist, she made her way from the back room to the front counter where she'd be taking orders for the next six hours. Jules and James were in the middle of taking and preparing orders so she only nodded hello to them. Jude made sure there was shapie at her disposal and she logged into the register. She could hear Ed Sheeran singing about how people fell in love in mysterious ways and Jude scowled, her mood souring instantly. Ugh, romance. What a waste of time. She could hear her sister Taryn tell her that one day it would fall upon her and she wouldn't be able to do anything about it. Unlikely. It sounded like a bad disease to Jude. She would never let her heart rule her, the idea was laughable. Her twin should know better. 

Everything was good and ready to start working, she was thinking about suggesting a change in the café's playlist as she raised her head to take the first order. Her brain froze, she could almost hear a sound of static in the back of her head. Cardan was standing in front of her. 

**Cardan**

"A tall americano please."

"To go?" Jude asked, without looking at him while scribbling on the cup with her sharpie. 

_You wish._ "No, I've got a table." Jude nodded and took the cash Cardan was handing her. She touched the screen of the register and the drawer opened. 

"You wrote my actual name on it this time?" Cardan's lips raised to one side as he pushed the change into the tip jar. He could feel Jude's stare follow his movements, it was oddly exhilarating. She was frowning, as if Cardan and tipping were two ideas that she couldn't reconcile. He liked to have her attention only to himself, he didn't mind the wrath that came with it. He liked to see her like this. So alive, burning. 

Jude arched an eyebrow. "I guess you'll see." 

Like last time, the staff member in charge of handing out the drinks didn't call Cardan by his name. The tall and lean blond man handed him the cup without a word, his face giving nothing away. Cardan waited to be at his table to take a look at what Jude had came up with this time. " _Family's #1 disappointment_ ". He swallowed and it felt like a rock was stuck in his throat. Jude had hit where it hurt once again but he deserved it, for everything he'd put her through. He took a sip of his drink while looking at her, his table had an unobstructed view of the counter. Jude was taking an order but her gaze crossed his for a brief second. She looked at him without flinching. So cold and unforgiving, his Jude. 

Cardan spent the next three hours drinking his coffee, reading and looking at Jude. She seemed at ease among the staff, he'd caught them laughing together several times, when the flow of customers had slowed down. Right now, Jude was outside the shop on her break, sipping a drink and chatting animatedly with her colleague, the blond one. Cardan was watching them through the window. The guy was smoking and nodding at something Jude was saying. Cardan's mood soured. Was Jude flirting with him? He'd never seen her smile or talk so much in all the years he'd known her. 

Taking advantage of Jude's momentary vacancy from her post, he made his way to the counter to order another drink then went back to his table and carried on with his reading. Another three hours later, he saw Jude leaving the counter and came to the conclusion it was probably the end of her shift. Indeed, he watched her walk out of the door five minutes later. She didn't cast him a single glance on her way out. 

That same routine went on for a week. Somehow, Jude always came up with something new and humiliating to write on Cardan's cup. It amazed him as much as it troubled him. She did know a lot about his weaknesses but he guessed it wasn't surprising given how many years they had spent around each other. Cardan was comforted by the knowledge that he knew her as well as she knew him. 

Cardan followed Jude out of the Starbucks at the end of her shift on the next saturday. He'd roughly guessed her timetable of her shifts at the coffee shop and had spent hours reading, studying and openly daydreaming for hours while keeping an eye on her for the last seven days. They exchanged no more than twenty words in total, Cardan had counted, and each one coming out of Jude's mouth had cut like a knife freshly sharpened. 

Jude turned around abruptly and Cardan startled to a stop right before hitting her. She usually ignored him and she barely looked at him in the eyes whenever they interacted. Now Jude was openly glaring at him, her jaw and her fists clenched. Cardan smirked. Finally a reaction. He felt a thrill going through him, from his guts up to his spine, ending in his heart, squizzing it like a ripe fruit. 

"What's your deal Cardan? Is stalking me your new hobby? Don't you have anything better to do? Have you finally given up trying to please daddy?" Jude spat at him. Her words were the sweetest venom. 

"Nah, the coffee here is just that good. And I'm growing fond of your love notes on my drinks, saved all of them."

"Jerking off to them during lonely hours?"

Jesus Christ. She was feisty today. Cardan smile wildly at her. "Is that what you think of before falling asleeep, honey?"

"You wish."

If only they were able to talk without verbally slicing each other's throats. But Cardan were helpless in engaging with Jude without driving her mad. It was like a routine between them, a cycle he didn't know how to break no matter how much he wanted to. Too many times he'd imagined having a casual conversation with her like the way she talked with her coworkers. He'd visualized her laughing whole heartedly at something Cardan had said. He wanted to hear that sound without several tables and a counter between them. He wanted to be the source of it and to bottle it for hard days and dark hours. He'd get drunk off her voice if she allowed him to. For now, he'd take what he could get, which wasn't much. Jude looked like she was barely keeping herself from clawing at his face. 

"I do." The words slipped from his mouth. Time froze. Jude's face turned blank. She blinked. Then the glare was back on her face and she turned around, power walking away from him. It took Cardan a couple of steps to catch back to her. They walked for a minute in silence, Jude ignoring him, her chin high, looking straight ahead of her. 

Cardan swallowed, looking for what to say next. All he wanted was a normal conversation with her. A proof they were able to do that, that they could put their past behind them for ten minutes. 

"So, you work there everyday?"

"No, it was only this week, I just quit." Jude answered in a leveled voice. 

Cardan chuckled. _Jude_. He wanted to elbow her, ruffle her hair, like he'd seen her coworker do several times. Lucky bastard. Cardan shook his head. He was losing his damn mind. It was Jude, he was Cardan, if he touched her she'd bite him until she tasted blood. 

Jude turned her head toward him and gave him the fakest smile. "Bye, Cardan." She'd said the words as if she was wishing him to fall into a ditch. 

"See you at the Poli Sci conference on monday." Cardan called. 

Jude stopped and turned to face him. She had to tilt her head up in order to look him in the eyes. "Don't you major in drama?" she asked, playing dumb. Cardan pressed his lips together to keep from laughing. They shared almost all of their classes. His father hadn't left him any option in what he would major in. Jude knew that. There was no way she didn't. 

"Now, _you_ wish. I know you know I major in Political Science, just like you. I can feel you murdering me with your eyes from the back rows a every day. I'll save you a seat at the conference, bring snacks." Cardan walked away before Jude could answer. What the hell had he just told her? Jude would probably choose death over sitting next to him. He needed a drink or ten. 

**Jude**

Jude's jaw dropped. She was glad Cardan was walking away from her and couldn't witness her moment of weakness. Bring snacks. Bring snacks? Oh she would. She'd make sure to soak them in poison. 

Monday came way too fast to her liking. Jude had had her sunday off and had spent it in bed, being lazy and indulging in her favorite book and food. She hadn't had time to relax in ages. She'd earned a self care day. To her utmost dismay, she'd thought about what Cardan had told her too many times throughout the day. Each time she'd grunted and quickly found something to distract her. 

Jude walked into the lecture hall and scanned the rows, spotting Cardan easily. She crushed that insignificant fact under her heel. Jude liked to sit in the back and have no one sitting behind her. She enjoyed having an overview of the place, it made her feel invisible while still being in control of her environment. She spotted Cardan sitting on the far right of a middle row. It was his usual spot. He often sat sideways and she'd caught him looking up at her too many times. Jude scowled. The back rows looked too inviting and yet, she started taking the steps down toward Cardan's row and then she made her way to the seat next to his. She sat down without a word and started unpacking her stuff. Finally, she grabbed the bag of snacks and dropped it on Cardan's table. Warheads extreme sour candies. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dialogue punctuation is my personal hell.  
> I hope you'll enjoy this chapter! Thank you for all your comments and kudos, it's so motivating and it makes my day every time :)

**Jude**

Cardan reached for the pack of candies, opened it and held it for Jude.

‘’Ladies first.’’ His voice was steady and he was looking at her like he had no ulterior motives, like they were just sharing snacks like two normal people. Jude narrowed her eyes at him.

Cardan did seem inoffensive but she knew better than to trust him and assume he was waving a white flag. She put her hand in the bag and grabbed a candy, her eyes not leaving his, then Cardan took one for himself, ripped the thin plastic wrap and popped it into his mouth. Jude thought he was careless not to wait for her to eat one. She really could have poisoned them.

The lecture started. An hour passed and Cardan had barely taken any notes. Jude’s fingers were flying on her computer and she could hear the clicking sounds of other students typing. Cardan was lounging on his seat, eating candy after candy, and doodling absentmindedly on the margin of his notebook. Jude was fuming.

‘’Would it kill you to pay attention and take some notes ?’’ Jude whispered angrily halfway through the lecture.

‘’Sadly for you, no.’’ Cardan answered, then put another candy into his mouth. Jude frowned. Strangely, the fact that he thought that disturbed her. Her life wouldn’t be the same without Cardan in it. It would feel way too quiet. Something would be missing. Who would she antagonise just for sport? Who would she plot against and be wary of ? Who would made her skin itch as badly as he did ?

Cardan reached for the candies again and Jude put her hand on his to stop him. He’d eaten almost a third of the bag already. He would probably get sick if he continued like this. _Good_ , Jude thought at the same time as she said ‘’That’s enough, your teeth will rot if you continue.’’ Cardan stilled. His eyes were glued to their hands. A few heartbeats passed before Jude let go of him. She could still feel the warmth of his skin long after.

Touching him left Jude feeling sort of unbalanced, as if she had to adjust her knowledge of Cardan and add another dimension to it. They had known each other for many years but only by their looks and through their verbal sparrings. Sometimes fighting him felt like she was fighting all of them, all of the noble elite, and she forgot he was only Cardan.

Touching him reminded her that he had a body, just like her. Skin, bones, muscles, blood flowing under all of this. Hands that did mundane things such as open a bottle of water or turn off the light. Right now he was just another person, a boy the same age as her who ate candies in a compulsive way and didn’t pay attention in classes. It felt so common, so normal, so un-Cardan. Jude wasn’t comfortable with thinking about him in that way. She wished she hadn’t sat next to him. Now it felt as if she’d conceded something to him but she didn’t know what.

As soon as the lecture was over, Jude grabbed her things and left without a glance or a word to Cardan. She tried to convince herself it hadn’t looked like she was fleeing.

It went like that for an entire week. After their first lecture together, Jude had sat at her usual place in the back row again but to her dismay, Cardan joined her. Jude had ignored him at first. She would not move from her spot because of him. But Cardan, stubborn as he is, had ignored Jude ignoring him and had acted as if everything was absolutely normal.

He had provided the snacks that second time : at least a dozen packets of Pop Rocks. Jude had looked at Cardan opening one and emptying it in his mouth in quiet shock. A few minutes later he had reached for a second one and poured some of the powder in his hand before bringing it to his mouth. He’d even licked the remnants of the sugar on his palm. She’d watched him, transfixed, from his head tilting backwards, exposing his throat, to his tongue wiping the powder in a slow stroke.

‘’You have no shame.’’ Jude commented matter-of-factly.

‘’Try this one, it’s my favorite.’’ Cardan handed her a cotton candy flavored packet.

Jude stared at it for a bit, at a loss. Cardan was giving her something. They were sitting side by side, eating candies together. She had entered the twilight zone. Jude ripped the corner of the packet and smelled it.

‘’I don’t recommend snorting it.’’ Cardan commented. He sounded like he was talking from experience.

‘’You’re deranged.’’ Jude said, shaking her head. Cardan smiled wildly at her.

She tilted her head back and brought the packet to her mouth, letting some of the powder fall on her tongue. She closed her mouth and waited, the sugar started to pop and sizzle inside her mouth almost instanly. It was the weirdest thing ever. It tasted exactly like cotton candy but the feeling was so far away from the soft and melting actual thing.

She didn’t know what to think about it exactly. It didn’t taste bad at all, but the unexpectedness of it kept her from fully enjoying it. It was as if the sweetness of the smell and the promise of the taste were a lure. The whole point was to trick you into expecting something sweet but instead you ended up with a firework on your tongue. She tried some again, savouring it a bit more now that she knew what to expect. 

‘’It reminds me of you.’’ Cardan said almost absentmindedly before taking the packet from her hand and downing what was left into his mouth. He would end up a hopeless diabetic before thirty, Jude thought. 

Cardan took even less notes than the first time they had sat together.

‘’I see the appeal in sitting at the very last row now.’’ Cardan had told her at the end of the class.

They took turns in who was bringing the snacks every day. Jude searched for the worst ones. One time, she brought a bag of licorice, the black and stringy ones, thinking surely Cardan would not eat as much this time and he’d be craving his sugar fix like an addict all morning. She’d never been so wrong in her life. She watched him with horror as he ate them like they were breadsticks at a restaurant and he was starving.

Throughout the week, Cardan had brought Atomic Fireballs, Nerds and, to Jude’s outrage, Hershey’s Kisses. She had glared at him that day, hoping he would magically catch on fire and go straight to hell. He had held her gaze, unphazed by her wrath, while popping one into his mouth. She had looked at him sucking on it, his lips pursing slightly and his jaw moving sideways. His cheekbones were sharp and she had loathed his face so, so much at that moment. That day she had not eaten one single candy. Cardan had made up for it without any trouble.

At the end of every day, Cardan would go to Starbucks during Jude’s shift and leave when she left. Walking silently by her side until they parted ways. Jude was refusing to think anything about it. He was just messing with her. His life was so boring, the only way to spice it up was eating candies with the Jude and following her like a lost puppy.

He did seem lost sometimes. Cardan wasn’t hanging out with any of his former friends. He wasn’t paying attention in classes or studying. He spent hours sitting at his coffee table reading poetry and ancient plays, writing in a notebook or staring at everything and nothing. Jude had thought about his behavior for hours and had came to the conclusion that Cardan wasn’t plotting anything this time. She couldn’t see what he would get out of befriending her. It wasn’t like Jude had any connections or influence, it was more like the opposite. Associating with her would put him at a disadventage more than anything. So what the bloody fuck was he doing ?

Their little routine lasted a week before Cardan broke it. He didn’t show up monday morning to their first class. Jude thought he had probably partied hard the previous night and was sleeping his hangover off. But she didn’t see him at their afternoon classes either, nor at Starbucks during her usual shift. Cardan didn’t show up the following day either and Jude found herself brooding and feeling on edge. She didn’t like that she noticed he was missing, but she wasn’t comfortable with Cardan’s sudden disappearance. Something felt off.

By wednesday evening, when he didn’t show up at the coffee shop to stalk her through her shift, Jude felt on the verge of murder. If Cardan showed up now, she would strangle him with her bare hands and make him regret putting her in this crazed state. Since when did she care ? She barely refrained from knocking on his former friends’ doors to ask where he was. She doubted they would answer her and seeing Jude looking for Cardan would probably put ideas in their heads. Jude didn’t need that. So she paced like a caged tiger all night. She had not seen him since saturday evening as she hadn’t worked on sunday. Potentially, Cardan had been MIA for four days _._

 _It doesn’t matter. I don’t care._ Jude kept her mind busy all night and went to bed with these two thoughts on repeat in her head.

It was tuesday morning and Jude only thought about Cardan once since she woke up, to remind herself how much she didn’t care about whether he would be back today or not. Gone was the feeling of restlessness from the past days. Cardan could be lying in a ditch, Jude would carry on with her life with one less enemy. She’d celebrate. Heather side eyed her in the kitchen but kept from commenting on Jude’s mood. Jude ignored her pointedly.

Jude sat at their first lecture of the day and turned her computer on. She absolutely did not notice Cardan wasn’t here since she didn’t care about him. The professor began talking and she started typing. She was so focused on the class she did not notice Cardan coming in before he was sitting on the seat next to hers. She froze, then turned her head slowly. Cardan was taking his stuff out of his bag like everything was normal. Finally he met her gaze. Jude willed her features into cold boredome.

‘’Sweet Jude, missed me ?’’ Cardan hummed lowly. 

Jude ignored him and turned her head back toward the professor, resuming her typing. Cardan chuckled. She clenched her jaw. Jude heard the familiar sound of a plastic bag being ripped open. She couldn’t help herself; she turned her head toward Cardan, met his eyes and really looked at him. He appeared to be his usual aloof self. But as Jude held his gaze longer, she started to realize he actually wasn’t fine at all. She could read the weariness in his eyes and in the tensed set of his shoulders. The shadows under his eyes weren’t the usual after-party ones. They looked like the subtext of Cardan’s interior state of mind. Jude frowned, unsettled by the feeling of concern growing inside her. 

She dropped her gaze to the candies. Cardan was holding the packet open for her. It was those heart shaped candies that were popular on valentine’s day. The ones that said stuff like Best Day, Kiss Me, Soulmate and other god awful romantic shit. Her eyes narrowed in distaste. How could he always pick the worst ones ?

Seeing as Jude wasn’t picking a candy, Cardan plunged his hand inside the bag and took one out, holding it between Jude and himself. The powedery pastel yellow heart said in red letters 'Be Mine'. Cardan’s eyes met hers and she felt her cheeks burn.

‘’Fitting.’’ Cardan chuckled before popping the candy into his mouth.

Jude closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose. She couldn’t believe him. ‘’I’m going to murder you, slowly, with my bare hands. You’re going to beg me to spare you and I’ll laugh at your face while I squeeze the life out of you.’’

‘’I’m glad nothing changed while I was gone.’’ Cardan answered lightly, ignoring her threats altogether.

‘’Where have you been ?’’ Jude asked, her voice sounding like she was ordering more than asking him to give her an explanation. Cardan blinked a few times, as if he was looking for what to say. Then he turned his head away from her, his jaw clenched, and shrugged, dismissing her question.

They both kept quiet after that even though they sat side by side during every classes they shared that day, Jude typing furiously on her computer while Cardan sprawled on his seat and ate candies. It was as if the last four days had not happened. Somehow, Jude felt like Cardan needed the simplicity of their routine right now and she didn’t push him anymore on why he’d been missing.

Jude saw Cardan again later at work. She ignored the flare of relief she felt at the sight of him behind the counter. 

''So, where have you been?'' Jude asked for the second time that day. Cardan startled at her words. He looked unsettled, as if a part of him wasn't fully there. He shrugged nonchalantly. 

''Just out of town, plotting your demise. Nothing unusual." He was lying, obviously. Cardan lied all the time but right now, it felt like he couldn't admit the truth even to himself. Jude scrutinized his face, looking for a clue. He was avoiding her gaze, looking at something behind her shoulder. His hair was unruly, as if he'd ran his hand through it too many times. He often looked like this, especially after a party. Freshly fucked and wholly intoxicated. His pupils were normal today though and somehow, Jude knew it wasn't his usual after-party look. She wished it were because she felt like the reason why Cardan had been gone for so long and had reappeard as if he had just woken up from a coma would hurt more than watching his walk of shame one more time. 

"Go sit down, I'll bring you your order." 

"I haven't ordered anything." The corner of his lips rised and Jude almost sighed in relief. This looked a bit more like his usual self. Jude arched an eyebrow at him. They both knew he always ordered the same thing. Cardan chuckled and turned away, heading for his usual spot. 

A few minutes later, Jude sat in front of him with his coffee but also a drink for herself and two warm cinnamon rolls. It was quiet tonight so she took the liberty to take her break earlier than normal. 

"What are you drinking?' Cardan asked. 

"Pumkin spice latte, it's finally that time of the year, God bless." Cardan gave her a puzzled look. "It's the seasonal drink? You've never heard of it?" Jude was a little shocked. Did he live in a cave when he wasn't at school? "It tastes like heaven, I wish it was available all year round." She paused. Cardan said nothing, he seemed absent again. "Do you want to try it?" 

Cardan startled. "Really?" he asked, uncertain. His eyebrows were high, she really had caught him off guard with that. It's just coffee, Jude thought. She shrugged like it wasn't a big deal. It was a big deal though. It was too intimate and nice. The exact opposit of their usual dissing. Jude had caught herself off guard by offering but she would not show him that. 

"Maybe you'll like it and next time you'll order something else than plain coffee in a place that offers a hundred different options." 

Cardan grinned, "You're actually really annoyed by my order." Something jolted inside of Jude at the sight of his smile. 

Jude rolled her eyes, "No, I'm not. I couldn't care less. It's just one more ridiculous and petty thing you do." 

Cardan actually laughed this time and Jude couldn't help the smile spreading on her own face. It was the first time she had heard Cardan laugh. 

"I actually don't know any other drink here and I happen to like plain coffee." Cardan explained, as if that was enough of a reason, as if there the drinks weren't described on big flashy screens above the counter. Jude shook her head in despair. 

"Ok, but try this at least,'' she said as she handed him her cup. "Careful, it's really hot." Cardan's eyes met hers, he raised an eyebrow. "We have to warn every customers, it's policy." 

"Sure." He raised the cup to his lips, took a small sip and put it down on the table. Jude watched his tongue wipe the foamy cream on the top of his lips.

"That's the sweetest thing i've ever drank." Cardan wrinkled his nose. "You can't even taste the coffee."

Jude scoffed, "That's rich coming from you. I've never seen anyone eat that much candy without getting sick. I bet your dentist takes a stress day everytime they see you." 

Cardan took a sip of his coffee. "Dr Moore always seem very happy to see me, unlike other people." 

Jude brushed his little jab off, she wasn't going to pretend he was wrong. "Of course Dr Moore is happy to see you, they're sure to never go out of work thanks to you."

Cardan's eyes twinkled. It was probably one of the longest conversation they had ever had without truly insulting each other. The warmth in his gaze quickly faded away and he turned his head to look outside the window. A minute passed in silence. Jude took a bite of her cinnamon roll, not taking her eyes off Cardan. She watched the column of his throat move as he swallowed. She wished she could read his thoughts right now. 

"So... what happened?" Jude asked tentatively. A muscle in his jaw jumped, Jude wasn't sure he was breathing. She could clearly see how tensed he was under his casual stance. It's like Cardan couldn't sit down properly, he _had_ to sprawl like a bored king on his throne. Several long heartbeats passed before Cardan finally looked at her again. His face looked cool and composed. 

"Nothing but some quality time with my family." Cardan smiled bitterly. 

Oh. _Oh._

As much as Jude hated Cardan, she was glad she had to go to school with him and not another of his siblings. Their reputation was even worse than the youngest Greenbriar in terms of cruelty and general awfulness. She couldn't imagine what it would be like growing up surrounded by them. At least Jude had loving sisters. It struck her that maybe that explained some of Cardan's worst traits. She wondered who they would both be if he wasn't a Greenbriar and she wasn't Jude Duarte, the adopted daughter of Maddoc. Jude thought if they had met in another time, another place, perhaps they would have become friends instead of enemies. That thought didn't make her want to laugh or sneer in distaste. It made her feel a bittersweet feeling of nostalgia for something that never existed at all. 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: suicidal ideation, implied abuse. 
> 
> Boy this chapter is much longer than the others and I apologize for any typos. I reread it several times but I know i must have missed some of them.  
> I hope you'll like it. I loved writing it! Things finally start to move between these two idiots lol

**Cardan**

Cardan often wondered what was the point. What was the point in waking up, in going to classes that didn’t interest him, in eating, in getting dressed, in trying to please his family in hope that they’ll give him a moment of reprieve which, deep down, he knew would never come.

Sometimes, Cardan imagined not waking up one morning. He just wanted everything to stop so he could breathe and think and simply _be_. He had lost all his friends. He wasn’t even sure they had ever been friends. Locke, Valerian and Nicasia were as bad as him so it made sense that they had bonded over making other people’s lives miserable. People like Jude.

Jude had it worse and yet, she was still here. She was biting and kicking. She was putting Cardan in his place, and everyone else, even after what she’d endured because of them for years. She was relentless. So Cardan had to wake up. If only to keep watching Jude kick everyone’s ass.

The couple of days he’d spent at his family’s estate had wrecked him. He’d gone there for his father’s birthday. He didn’t really have a choice. It had been two days of pure torture. His siblings fought about anything and everything except one thing : Cardan was bad luck and he had to be punished for it every day of his life. Some of his siblings favored psychological harm, others physical, others both. In the end it didn’t matter if the knife was made of words or iron, it cut everytime.

He came back on campus Tuesday morning but had spent two days in bed, nursing his body and mind back to his usual state. No one came to check on him. He thought of Jude. He imagined her in class, taking notes like her life depended on it. He thought of her at work, smiling at customers, laughing with her coworkers and frowning at him, her hand holding her sharpie in a tight grip. She was the only reason he got out of bed and went to class that day. His Jude.

Sometimes he wondered if the week he had spent eating candies by her side had been a fever dream. But when he entered the lecture hall and spotted her in her usual seat at the very last row, he felt a weigh lift off his shoulders. He had not imagined everything. If she was here, not everything was pointless.

He made his way to her as discreetly as possible since he was late. The closer he got to where she was, the clearer his thoughts were. Jude was here, Jude was real. Not everything was bad. If she could fight, he could too.

He sat down. She ignored him. The usual. He grabbed the pack of sweets from his bag and smirked. He couldn’t wait to see her reaction.

Jude murdered him with her eyes, as he had expected. Cardan took great joy in finding the most romantic candies he could get his hand on. It was a safe way to communicate with her, though he doubted she realised he was trying to tell her something. Atomic Fireball, Hershey’s Kisses, Nerds, heart shaped candies. He was shouting at her with each candy he ate how much she mattered to him, how much he noticed her and the little things she did. How much he cared. How much she was important and precious to him. How his life wouldn’t be the same without her.

He knew damn well it was hopeless. Jude thought he was provoking her and trying to get under her skin. God, he wished he could. Her skin haunted him. The day she had put her hand on his, Cardan had been lost for good. He played that memory at night when he couldn’t sleep. He would never get tired of it. He wanted to feel her warmth, her strenghth, her steadiness. He wanted to kiss her, to hold her close to him, to say how sorry he was for all the wrongs he’d done to her. He wanted to tell her that he knew it didn’t excuse anything but that he hadn’t known how else to interact at that time. No one had ever showed him how to make friends, how to be nice to someone and how to trust. He had been a fool because Jude was the most loyal person he had ever encountered. In truth, he hadn’t been strong enough to stop the bullying. He tried to convince himself that he would have made things worse if he had taken Jude’s side but he wasn’t fooling himself.

Instead, Cardan had taken it upon himself to hurt her because it was the only way to control what was done to her. He didn’t have the guts to stand up for her, to tell all his ‘’friends’’ to get lost and leave her alone. So he would be the one to inflict the pain. It was the only way it could be on his terms. He was such a coward and she deserved so much better. In a perfect world, he was worthy of her.

When he met her at the coffee shop later, it broke his heart when she asked again what was going on. He could hear the concern in her voice and even though he told himself he didn’t deserve it, he still cherished it. Cardan couldn’t tell her though. He could never tell anyone what his family put him through. So he dismissed her question with a bit of truth that would be enough to let drop the subject. He imagined another universe, parallel to this one, where they were friends. Where it was the both of them against the rest of the world. He had read theories about that and even though there was no proof it existed, it brought him comfort that maybe somewhere, Jude didn’t hate him at all.

They sat in silence for some time. Jude sipped her drink and munched on the cinnamon roll she had brought. Cardan didn’t even try to hide that he could do nothing but look at her. She was so beautiful. The sun was setting and the light made her hair look like bronze and honey and autumn leaves. She met his gaze and held it for long minutes. Cardan wanted to remember her like this forever, basking in the golden light while looking at him without hostility in her eyes.

Cardan felt like things were changing between them in that moment. He didn’t dare to hope, but he couldn’t imagine the way she was looking at him. As if she was mapping his face and commiting it to her memory, the same way he was doing with hers.

Jude leaned and grabbed his cup of coffee. She took her sharpie from her back packet and wrote something on it before handing it back to Cardan. He turned it over to read what she had written and froze. It was her number.

She stood from her chair. ‘’I have to go back to work.’’

‘’Yes, of course.’’ Cardan swallowed and ran a hand in his hair. Jude followed his movement with her eyes. His voice was just above a whisper when he said ‘’Thank you, for everything.’’

Jude nodded before walking away.

****

‘’I’m not working today. Do you want to come to the library with me ?’’ Jude asked Cardan a few days later. They were walking out the lecture hall after their last class for the day.

Cardan almost missed a step at her words. He had not been expecting that from her. Jude still barely tolerated him in class. He stared at her and blinked. She held his gaze, waiting for his answer patiently. Cardan squared his shoulders under her unflinching gaze.

He waved a hand in front of him. ‘’Lead the way, dearest Jude.’’

Jude narrowed her eyes and shook her head. ‘’You don’t know where it is, do you ?’’

The library was actually one of Cardan’s favorite place on campus but he kept that fact from her. Jude was frowning in disapproval and Cardan relished in it, she looked like and angry kitten. He wanted to pinch her nose, kiss the top of her cheek and whisper in her ear that he wanted to go to the library to do far more riveting things with her than studying.

But since Cardan didn’t want to die a slow and painful death, he refrained from doing any of this. Instead, he basked in Jude’s glare. Jude’s disapproval was the only kind of disapproval that really got to him and made him want to do better. But right now he was glad that she was mad at him because of something so trivial. It changed from her usual, well deserved wrath.

Cardan smirked, ‘’I actually prefer to study at coffee shops, I find the setting to be more… stimulating’’

Jude snickered and turned away. Cardan could have sworn she was trying to hide her smile. He felt so much warmth from this little victory he felt dizzy for a few seconds. One time, she had blushed at one of Cardan’s flirty comment and he had thought it was going to be the death of him. It had taken him the entire day to recover. He was starting to get addicted to making her feel something else than hatred and rage.

Cardan caught up to Jude who was walking away, not looking back to see if he was following her.

Theys sat in front of each other at a table tucked between a window and bookshelves and Jude quickly got to work. Cardan watched her read, type and search through books. After half an hour, she raised her head and told him he might as well leave so someone who actually wanted to study could take his place. That had left Cardan no choice but to work on the essay that was due by the end of the week and that he hadn’t started to write.

Two hours passed in a blink and Cardan found that, even if he didn’t like studying, he’d love spending this quiet time with Jude. She was so driven and focused, it amazed and terrified him equally. One day she’ll rule the world, Cardan thought. He liked that idea. Maybe things would be better if people like Jude were in charge instead of people like his father and siblings.

When it was time to go, Cardan looked for an excuse to spend more time with her. He didn’t want this day to end, he didn’t want to not see her. Maybe they could grab dinner somewhere ? Before he could say anything, Jude bid him goodbye and headed back to her dorm, leaving him behind before he could answer her. Sometimes he felt like she was running away from him, especially after they spent time together without being at each other’s throats. He watched her walk away, a bitter taste in his mouth from the frustration and regret of so many years by her side completely lost.

***

**Jude**

Jude was sitting cross-legged in front of the coffee table while James and Jules were sitting on the couch opposite to her. Two days ago, Jules had thrown the idea of meeting outside of work ‘for team building purposes’ she’d explained. Jude had said yes instantly, James had said sure why not. Then Jules had said they would meet Friday evening at James’s for drinks and games. James didn’t even have the chance to protest. Jules said she’d bring the alcohol and games and that Jude should bring the dessert, then she ran out of the coffee shop claiming she had some tutoring to do. Jude had smiled apologetically at James but her coworker had shrugged in an easy manner and had told her not to bring anything with pineapple in it.

So here they were, the three of them. James had been trying to explain poker to Jules and Jude for an hour now and Jude had caught him rubbing his temples more than once. Jules was sitting next to him and Jude hadn’t missed how she’d progressively gotten closer to James and how bright her smile was whenever he talked to her.

Jude took a sip of her beer and looked around, admiring James’s flat. It had a wall of raw red bricks and most of the furnitures looked like they were second-hand but it screamed luxury at the same time. James was well off, he was one of those students that didn’t need loans and whose ancestors had all attended Insmire University. _Like Cardan_ , Jude thought. When Jules had asked him why he had a job when clearly he didn’t need one, James had lifted one shoulder and said he’d always wanted to work at a café or a restaurant.

James had taken care of cooking dinner tonight and Jude and Jules both moaned when they took their first bite of the marinated grilled salmon James had prepared. He’d also made green aspergus and rice with a delicious citrus and coriander sauce. Jules begged him to feed her every evening from now on and James blushed profusely, mumbling it was nothing special.

Now they were eating Jude’s cookies and playing cards, the conversation flowing between them easily. Jude felt so grateful for the first two friends she’d ever made.

Her phone buzzed on the table. Jude didn’t recognize the number when she looked at the screen. Not many people had her number. Among them were her sisters and the two people sitting in front of her, who were in the middle of an intense debate about probability, luck and fate. Jude rose and went to the hallway before she took the call.

What Jude heard first was a lot of noise, loud music and booming bass that probably made the walls vibrate on the other side of the line. She frowned, someone probably called her number by mistake. She was about to hang up when she heard her name. It was low and far away, she almost missed it because of the chaos going on in the background.

‘’Yes ? Hello ?’’

‘’Jude.’’ This time the voice was louder and clearer. She recognised Cardan immediately. She had completely forgotten she had given him her number that one time at the coffee shop. He had never texted her.

‘’Cardan ?’’ Jude waited several long second, she heard something crash and the sound of broken glass. ‘’Cardan ? Are you ok ?’’

‘’Jude I’m so sorry. I’m so fucking sorry. I didn’t-‘’ He sounded completely drunk and he was probably high too, knowing Cardan.

‘’Cardan, what is going on ? Where are you ? Are you alright ?’’ Jude asked frantically. She tried to remain calm but she had a bad feeling about the situation.

‘’Fuck !’’ Jude heard Cardan say, he sounded far away again, like he wasn’t holding the phone to his ear. Her heart was beating hard and fast in her chest. She wanted to scream at Cardan to talk into the phone and answer her. Instead, she started pacing angrily in James’s hallway. A minute passed and all she could hear was the music and incoherent voices. She was considering hanging up for good and carrying on with her night when someone spoke.

‘’Hey, can you come and get him ?’’ It was a male voice but other than that, Jude didn’t recognize the persone speaking.

‘’Who and where are you ? What is going on ? Is Cardan alright ?’’ Jude fired her questions, her voice almost commending. This guy better answer her in the next half second or she’ll throttle him.

‘’Damn, you sound like a piece of work babe. I’m Aiden. Cardan crashed into a table, he has a few cuts but nothing big. He’s completely wasted. I’ll text you the adress.’’ And he hung up on her, assuming she was coming to get Cardan’s drunk carcass.

Jude stared at her phone, dumbfounded. She didn’t even have a car. Her screen lit up with a new message from the same unknown number, an adress. Jude quickly googled it. It was several miles away, in an area known to have campus houses that hosted very old fraternities. The nest of the people Jude tried to avoid at all cost. She closed her eyes, took a deep breath and silently cursed Cardan.

‘’You look like you need a drink and like you also want to murder someone.’’ James was leaning against the wall a few feet away from her.

‘’I need to pick up-‘’ Jude almost said _a friend_. ‘’I just… I think i have to go. I’m sorry.’’

‘’The guy from the coffee shop ?’’ James asked evenly.

‘’Yeah...’’ It felt weird to refer to Cardan as ‘the guy from the coffee shop’. But James only knew him in that context.

‘’Mmmm… Let me grab my keys.’’

‘’No, you don’t have to do that. I’ll go, I’ll figure something out. I can call a cab.’’

‘’Or you can let me drive you where you need to go for free. Let me do that for you Jude. You won’t owe me anything. That guy is so devoted to you, I would feel bad staying here doing nothing.’’

Jude cringed but said nothing. James turned away and returned a moment later with his keys his hand. Jules was behind him.

‘’We’re going on an adventure ?’’ Jules asked, true excitement showed on her face. She was tipsy but not completely drunk. Jude smiled and didn’t miss the way James looked down at Jules with that tender look on his face. Now who’s devoted to who ? Jude thought. James put his hand on the small of Jules’ back and nodded to Jude to lead the way. They grabbed their coats and walked to James’s car.

Ten minutes later, James parked in front of a mansion. It was shining bright in the night and Jude could hear the music even from inside the car. She searched for another word for the house but it was truly huge. It was three floors high, had two wings, a tower, moldings and columns. It was indecent. Jude was going to strangle Cardan for making her step inside it.

‘’Ok, i’ll just go inside, get him and be right back.’’ Jude said, reaching for the door handle.

‘’You’re not going inside on your own.’’ James said, leaving no room for discussion.

‘’I second that.’’ Jules added. ‘’I’ll wait for you here though, I’m way too drunk for a rescue right now. I’ll keep the car warm and cozy.’’

‘’Lock the doors.’’ James told Jules before leaving his seat.

Jude didn’t know what she had done in a past life to deserve these two but she didn’t argue. James lead the way to the house and didn’t bother to knock.

‘’We stick together.’’ James said before starting to search for Cardan on the ground floor. After a good fifteen minutes, there were still no sign of him. Jude tried to call him several times but he didn’t answer. She cursed him to hell and back.

They climbed the stairs to the first floor. The house was packed and Jude was scared to walk past Cardan without seeing him. She also dreaded the moment they would find him, not knowing in what state he truly was. She tried to prepare herself for the worst ; finding him with someone draped over him. She remembered the last party she went to and how feral it had made her to watch him touch and being touched by someone in front of her. She had rarely felt so powerless.

She focused on James. He was walking purposefully in front of her, scanning room after room while Jude was having an internal crisis. 

After probably twenty rooms, James stopped in a doorway and said ‘’Here he is. He likes playing hard to get doesn’t he ?’’ Jude almost bumped into him. James stepped away to let her in. ‘’Don’t murder him yet, I don’t want to be accused of failure to provide assistance. I’m very bad at lying.’’

‘’Then you should probably go.’’ Jude said through clenched teeth.

Cardan was on his back, sprawling dramatically on a gigantic poster bed, a bottle of wine in his hand. The entire room looked regal, from the oriental carpets covering the floor to the shiny wooden furniture that looked like it came straight from a renaissance castle. A golden chandelier hanged from the ceiling and huge portrait paintings were displayed on the walls. Jude felt so small and insignificant, crushed by the social gap so plainly thrown at her face by the sheer level of luxury of this place.

Cardan’s shirt was unbuttoned and Jude couldn’t help looking at the pale skin of his stomach. The muscles were lean and taut. She imagined what it would be like to touch him there, to feel him under the palm of her hands. To caress his skin softly and slowly so she could remember the feeling for a long time, and then to claw and mark and punish him for making her feel that way. She wanted to make him feel as much pain as he made her feel right now.

Jude swallowed the lump in her throat and made her way to the bed hesitantly. Cardan turned his head toward her and she saw on his face the moment he recognized her. A sliver of awareness came back in his gaze. Still, he looked lost, abandonned and defeated. Not a borded king anymore, but a fallen one. How could the guy she talked to on the phone leave him like this ?

Jude’s thighs touched the side of the mattress. ‘’You called me…’’ Her voice was low and unsure.

Cardan blinked drowsily. ‘’And you came ?’’

‘’Yeah… You didn’t sound fine.’’ Jude avoided his eyes, she tried to focus on something else but she hated everything around her. She was stuggling with something inside of her, but she couldn’t put her finger on what exactly. It felt like things were shifting, changing, and she could do nothing but let it unfold.

Jude turned her gaze to Cardan again and froze as she saw a tear form on the corner of his eye then roll down his cheek slowly. Cardan closed his eyes for a few seconds. When he opened them again, more tears were welling inside of them. It broke something inside of Jude. She sat on the bed right next to him, not sure what to say or do.

‘’Jude...’’ Cardan whispered hoarsly. ‘’Jude, I’m sorry…. I’m so sorry, you have no idea. For everything, Jude. For evreything. I’m so sorry.’’

Now Jude truly was at a loss for words. She had never expected an apology from anyone, even less from Cardan. The alcohol, and probably the drugs, were talking right now but the regret sounded real and honest in his voice.

His cheeks were damp and shiny from his tears, his hair was a mess, his skin looked pale which contrasted with the shadows under his eyes. Despite all of that, Jude couldn’t help but admire his beauty. This room, no matter how luxurious, had nothing on Cardan’s features. His cheekbones seemed like they were carved by a sculptor, his lips were the red of a berry in summer and Jude struggled not to brush her thumb over them. His brown eyes looked like amber when the light hit them in a certain way. Jude even liked the shape of his eyebrows. She failed to find a flaw, something to hate, something to despise. It used to come easily to her but right now it felt like all the bitterness had dried out inside of her and in its place, other feelings were starting to burgeon.

Gently, Jude brought her hand to Cardan’s face and brushed the tears away.

‘’Ok.’’ Jude whispered. She wasn’t quite ready to accept his apology and brush off years of bullying and humiliation. But she didn’t want to deny it either. For now, Jude would simply acknowledge it. ‘’Ok.’’ She said again, her voice steadier. Her fingers brushed away strands of hair from Cardan’s brow. He closed his eyes and his face seemed to relax a little.

Jude turned her attention to the bottle of wine Cardan was still holding. She noticed several cuts on his fingers and his palm, probably from the crash she heard on the phone. Jude took the bottle and held it up to the light. It was completely empty. Jude gave Cardan a disapproving frown. His eyes were open again but he still looked like he wasn’t fully there.

‘’You drank all of it ?’’ Jude asked him but he didn’t answer. She clenched her jaw. Cardan’s behavior was beyond revelry. It was self destructive. It made Jude look at Cardan’s actions in a new light, not to excuse them, but to try to understand them. Maybe all these years, all Cardan had done was self sabotage everything good in his life, from choosing the worst people to surround himself with to drinking himself almost to death.

Jude sighed, it was getting late, she was tired, she didn’t want to think about that kind of things. ‘’Alright, let’s go.’’

Cardan brows furrowed. ‘’What ?’’

‘’We’re leaving. Can you sit up ?’’ Jude turned her head toward the door. James was standing in the doorway, looking outside the room. He turned around when he heard Cardan groan as he struggled to rise on his elbows, then walked to them.

‘’He lives!’’ James exclaimed. ‘’A great prowess. I was mentally readying myself to mop blood off the floor all night, I’m glad it was all for naught though.’’ 

Jude scowled at him. ‘’Let’s go. You take his right side, I’ll take his left.’’ They helped Cardan off the bed and started to make their way out. The party was still raging and James had to elbow people out of their way more than once.

They finally reached the ground floor and were almost at the door when Jude heard someone calling her name. She turned her head and saw Locke standing a few feet away from them. Jude couldn’t decipher the look on his face and she didn’t even want to bother. She wasn’t in the mood tonight. She ignored Locke and kept walking toward the door, half carrying Cardan as best as she could. It wasn’t an easy task between their height difference and Cardan’s drunken state but they made it to the car eventually. 

Jude buckled Cardan in behind the driver seat before walking around the car to sit next to him. To her relief, Cardan managed to tell them where he lived before nodding off, his head leaning against the window.

Jude couldn’t help herself. She rested her hand on Cardan’s thigh. Strangely, she needed the contact, as if she was scared he’d disappear on her, even if she knew it was impossible. With his eyes still closed, Cardan put his hand on hers.

The few minutes it took to drive to Cardan’s place were quiet. When the car stopped in front of a building outside the campus, Jude wondered what would happen next. Where that night would lead them.

James opened Cardan’s door and helped him stand. Jude followed them. She thanked James, telling him she would handle things from here. Jules hugged her and told her to call them if they needed anything. Then her two friends left and it was only her and Cardan.

She led him to the building entrance and he took out a few keys from his jeans pocket.

‘’I don’t think I can climb the stairs on my own.’’

‘’It’s alright, I’m here.’’ Jude put her arm around his waist and they went in. Cardan lived on the second floor. She took the keys from his shaking hands and opened the door. They walked inside and Cardan turned on the lights. It was a small appartment. Jude thought it was a studio at first but she noticed three doors in the hallway. One was probably his bedroom.

The living room had a couch, a coffee table with notebooks and papers scattered on it haphazardly. Two full bookshelves occupied an entire wall. It was both messy and clean, simple and chaotic. And cozy, so cozy. There was a tartan plaid folded on the couch, candles on the shelves and several potted plants by the window. Jude imagined Cardan sitting on the couch at night, reading or writing.

‘’You’re staring.’’ Cardan spoke quietly behind her. Jude started when she heard his voice. It was true, she was staring, or rather cataloguing every detail of Cardan’s place. It was a side of him she’d never seen and one she would never have guessed. She had assumed he would be living in one of those lavish houses on campus with other rich students, where they probably had a house maid, a cook and someone to clean their shoes and bow everytime they came in.

Jude turned away to look at him. ‘’That’s not what I expected.’’ Cardan gave an evasive hum, his eyes not leaving hers. They looked at each other in peaceful silence.

‘’Thank you for bringing me back home. I’m sorry I ruined your night. You can leave if you want, I’ll be fine.’’ Cardan spoke evenly, avoiding her eyes. He was leaning against the wall. Jude could see he was embarassed but there was something else there too. He was still exhausted and unstable. His brow was shining with sweat, probably from the alcohol and whatever else he had taken tonight. As hard as he tried to hide it, she could still see how miserable he felt in the way his jaw was clenched and the distance he was trying to create between them with his words and his eyes.

Jude ignored his dismissal. ‘’We should probably look at your cuts.’’

‘’You’ve done enough Jude. I’ll do it in the morning, it’s fine.’’

‘’I haven’t done all of this for you to die of an infection. Sit on the couch. ’’

Cardan looked at her for several hearbeats. Jude narrowed her eyes and mentally ordered him to listen to her without making a scene. A small smile appeared at the corner of Cardan’s mouth. Jude almost sighed in relief. He straightened and walked to the couch, Jude close to him in case he needed help.

Once he was safely sitting on the couch, Jude asked him if she could go look in his bathroom if he had anything to desinfect his cuts.

Cardan nodded. ‘’It’s the first door on your right when you come in.’’

It was a small bathroom. The bathtub took the entire length of one wall. Jude wanted to linger and catalogue everything as she had done with Cardan’s living room but she refrained. She opened the cupboard under the sink. Everything was neatly placed. Was Cardan secretly fussy ? or maybe he never opened that cupboard. It was more likely. She quickly found a disinfectant and coton disks as well as a box of band-aids.

When she came back to the living room, Cardan was leaning his head on the headrest of the couch, his eyes opened when he heard her approaching. She sat next to him and took one of his hand, inspecting the cuts. They weren’t deep but blood had dried, it definitely needed to be cleaned properly. She sprayed some disinfectant on a cotton and gently wiped it over the cuts. No more blood came out, the cuts had already started to close. Then Jude took his other hand and proceeded the same way. This hand had more cuts and one of them was deeper. She inspected it carefully, making shure there were no bits of glass stuck inside. Jude reached for the box of band-aids, it was half empty but she found one whose size fitted the cut. When she was done, she made sure she had not forgotten any cut then she looked up at Cardan. Tears were back on his face. She wiped them with her thumb and ran her hand through his hair.

‘’It’s alright, you’ll live.’’ Jude whispered and smiled at him tentatively.

‘’Thank you.’’ He smiled back.

‘’Time to sleep. Go to bed, I’ll be right back.’’ Cardan listened to her without complaining. Jude stood up and put the used cotton disks as well as the band-aids paper into the bin in Cardan’s kitchen. That room was open on the living room and she watched him walk to the bedroom. He swayed a little and leaned a hand on the wall. Jude filled a glass of water and followed him.

Cardan turned on a small lamp on his desk. The light was warm but most of the room was still in shadows. He removed his shirt and Jude looked away. She felt her cheeks warm. Jude walked to him and handed him the glass of water. Cardan drank it entirely before putting it on the desk. 

Jude nodded at the bed. ‘’Come on.’’ Cardan removed his shoes and went to the bed. He lifted the comforter and lied down under it.

Jude removed her shoes too and walked to the bed.

‘’Scoot over.’’ Jude told Cardan in a small voice. She wasn’t sure what she was doing but the thought of leaving Cardan alone tonight didn’t sit well with her. He was still intoxicated and emotionally unwell. Cardan obeyed and slid to the other side of the bed, near the wall. Jude got under the cover and layed her head on the pillow.

Cardan fell asleep looking at her. Jude watched his eyelids get heavier with each blink. She had the feeling he was trying to fight sleep but he lost the battle after a few minutes. His breathing was deep and even and Jude finally closed her eyes.

When she woke up, Jude was wrapped in Cardan’s arms. Her face was burried in the crook of his neck and his chin rested on the top her head. She could feel his chest rise and fall against her own. Golden light was pouring through the window.

Jude moved a little to adjust her position, their legs were all tangled up. Cardan’s arms tightened a little around her, as if to keep her from leaving and she nuzzled his neck before closing her eyes again.


End file.
